The Weakest Link: Nintendo Edition
by Wordsworth 13
Summary: Some of Nintendo's greatest heroes gather to play The Weakest Link and hilarity ensues, as the players fight to win shares of Nintendo stock and 'the thwomp' throws out questions at the speed of a FZero car.
1. IchiBan

**The Weakest Link: Nintendo Edition**

By: Wordsworth 13

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Kirby, Star Fox, Metroid, Donkey Kong, Game-and-Watch, Golden Sun, Kid Icarus or The Weakest Link.

* * *

Ichi-Ban!

It was dark, there were a few spotlights making a little light. Then suddenly a sharp female voice announced from the darkness "Hello, and welcome to the Nintendo edition of The Weakest Link! Let's meet the contestants and then we can start round one." One by one the spotlights lit up above the contestants as they make their declarations. The first is a short portly man in a red shirt and a pair of blue denim overalls "It's-a me, Mario!" He declared in a stereotypical Italian accent. "I'm from the Mushroom Kingdom, and I'm-a one year older than my brother Luigi!"

Next the light revealed a tall teenage boy with blonde hair, pointed ears and blue eyes that glint menacingly. "My name is Link," he said in an almost girlish sounding voice that seems better tuned for battle cries than a game show "I'm somewhere in my late teens or early twenties and I'm a Hylian." He finished calmly. Next a small round pink thing with beady, blue eyes, rosy cheeks and small, cute hands and feet, and an adorable pair of little red shoes. "Hi, I'm Kirby" it said in a sweet, innocent and positively huggable voice "I'm from Dreamland on Planet Popstar, I don't remember how old I am, and I like sugar and rainbows, but I really, really like Apple Pie-" He was interrupted by a confident voice, that of a true space hero, which it belonged to.

"Shut the hell up!" The figure to Kirby's left yelled at him, the light revealing him to be an anthropomorphic fox wearing a flight uniform and a red neckerchief. "I'm Fox McCloud, I'm twenty-eight and I'm from Corneria in the Lylat System." He glances at Kirby, who is now almost to the point of tears "Ah, whoops," he murmurs to himself.

Another light flashed on revealing a tall figure in what an expert would call a Chozo Battle Suit. The costume was yellow with a red helmet and a green visor. One of the person's hands was a gun for some reason. The form removed its helmet. Everyone gasped. "Mama Mia! It's a girl!" Mario exclaimed, almost to the point of fainting. Indeed it was a female, with fair skin and flowing blonde hair. "H-Hi, you're pretty." Kirby said shyly. The woman was slightly taken aback by this. "Why, thank you, little, uh, thing, you're very cute too." She said uncertainly. This left the pink puffball beaming and blushing brilliant scarlet. The voice hidden by a curtain of shadows coughed. "Ah, right" the blonde said before turning back to face the cameras. "I'm Samus Aran, I don't really live anywhere, and I haven't remembered to celebrate my birthday in years so I'm not sure how old I am." She told the viewers. The next light began to work its magic, showing the world a hunched ape with brown fur, and a red neck tie with the letters DK written in bouncy yellow letters on it. He tapped his microphone and slowly said "Me Donkey, me from DK Island, and me ten." In a rather uncertain tone, either not sure the microphone would work or not sure that he was ten, from DK Island or Donkey Kong, which I can assure you, he was. Except for the part about him being ten, gorillas can't count very well.

After this rather dismal display of primal intelligence, which I can say inspired no confidence in any of the other contestants, yet another spotlight shone down unveiling from the darkness a two dimensional black stick figure with a big nose and an open mouth. It looked like a man, but no one could tell. Producing a bell from nowhere and ringing it happily he picked up his voting card, upon which he had placed in bouncy writing the words: 'Hi! I'm Mr Game-and-Watch! I'm twenty-six and I live inside a liquid crystal display wristwatch.' Despite an eleven year career and a continuing legacy everyone looked confused. It seemed no-one had heard of him, and it was definitely a 'him' now, thus the 'Mister', but he was now absent-mindedly cooking sausages on a frying pan that seemed to have simply appeared in his hands. It was that, or he had very big pockets, which he probably didn't.

Then, the next spotlight to the right to reveal a brown haired person in his late teens, he was oddly dressed in a variety of leather armours covering his muscular form. He was carrying a sword and looking at the floor. "My name is Felix, I'm seventeen years old and I'm from Vale." He said like he'd had the lines in his head for the past few minutes. He didn't take his eyes off of the ground. A further light flashed on and a winged figure in a white tunic stepped forwards. He too had brown hair, but his was short and he had large brown eyes as well. He was wielding a bow and looked to be an angel of sorts. "My name's Pit, I'm immortal so it doesn't matter how old I am and I'm from heaven. Or hell, I can't remember, or maybe I was from one and trapped in the other. Uh…"

The hidden voice hissed at him, "Shut up!" and he did so. "Now introducing your host, the most evil person in the universe…"

"Bowser?" Mario ventured

"Ganondorf!" Link declared in irritancy, thinking he'd had to kill the damn pig-man enough times already.

"A dentist? No, a cabbage farmer, or, maybe even;" Kirby paused for effect "a dietary consultant!" he whispered, his voice worn down by shear horror.

"No, me, Anne Robinson." The figure of the diabolical British game show host stepping forth from the darkness. Everyone screamed, even the director.

"Uh, actually…" A deep gravely voice announced from above them "Because of some licensing issues, you're not allowed to be here. So, I'll be replacing you."

The voice's owner then plunged to the floor from a great height, showing himself to be a grey stone cube with a corrugation around the edges. He had a face as well. This is unusual in most rocks, so it was quite certain that this particular lump of igneous rock was what the common man calls a thwomp. It was wearing a bow-tie around its 'neck' and that was about it.

He landed on Anne Robinson.

"Mama Mia!" Mario cried out in utter disbelief "You killed Anne Robinson!"

"Something for which Hyrule thanks you and the world thanks you." Link said graciously, bowing his head in solemn appreciation.

"Huh? What" The thwomp said, leaning himself up to look at the splattered remains of the demonic T.V. star upon his hindquarters. "Oh, eew, can someone help me scrape this off?" He pleaded

"Wait 'til the camera's away from you!" The director hissed discreetly.

"Okay," he said turning to face his contestants "alright, I'm just the thwomp and the rules are each round everyone gets three questions, which is an alteration of the usual rules because the readers, uh, viewers will read, I mean, interpret, each round at different rates. Now we'll start with the first player and continue clockwise, that's you Felix, and continue clockwise until everyone has answered three questions. To save money you can say 'bank' but you will break the chain the team was building up, and if a chain is successfully completed the round will end early and you will have earned one thousand, err… what are we using again?"

Everyone glanced at each other unknowingly, and suggestions began to fly: Coins? Rupees? Doughnuts? Credits? Cookies? Dollars? Pounds? Apple Pies? Yen? Eventually after much discussion between contestants, the thwomp and the director, and in the end the chosen medium was determined to be… Shares of Nintendo stock!

"Very well, if you make a successful chain you will receive one thousand shares of Nintendo stock. Now, let's begin, with you Felix. Your question is: in mathematics what is one plus one?"

"Uh, two?" Felix said, somewhat fazed by the lack of difficulty.

"Correct." Pit breathed a sigh of relief; he had thought this was going to be hard. "Now, Pit, in particle physics, how many orbits does one molecule of polonium have?" Pit un-breathed his sigh of relief, which is a peculiar thing to see indeed.

"Uh, um, five?" The angel said uncertainly

"Wrong, the correct answer is eighty four. Mario! In geography, what metal towers resides in Paris?"

"Uh, the Paris Tower?" Mario said indecisively. Of all his skills, thinking was apparently not one of the plumber's strongest.

"Wrong, the correct answer is the Eiffel Tower. Link; in meteorology: name one measurement used to gauge temperature."

"Uh, Centiheitius?" The elfin boy ventured

"Wrong! I would have accepted Celsius, Centigrade, or Fahrenheit. Kirby I-"

"Bank!" The magenta sphere cried out

"You can't bank unless you have money, Kirby in cooking; name an ingredient used to make gingerbread men."

"Um, gingerbread." He suggested in his girlishly high voice.

"Correct! Fox, in astrology" at this point a confident smile spread across the canine's face "what is a red quasar?" Fox's smirk instantaneously vanished.

"Uh, a quasar that's red?" He tried nervously. The thwomp looked down at the question card and his eyes widened.

"Yes." He said in mild surprise "Samus, in chemistry what would atoms are there in sodium tetra-sulphate?"

"Sodium, sulphur an oxygen." She answered confidently.

"Correct" the thwomp said, confirming the validity of her answer. This made her quite popular. "Donkey Kong, in biology, what is the main prey of the insect creature; metroid?" Donkey Kong did not know. Samus was desperately signalling in any way she could think of 'X'.

"Uh, banana?" the ape answered.

"Wrong the correct answer was the X Parasite." The thwomp told him.

* * *

Well, that's that, next chapter will continue this round and maybe even get into the next. What do you think? Please tell me. Also, in round three I will bring in an extra character, and you can vote on who you want it to be! I can't pick that's why, don't think I'm nice or anything. Your choices are Luigi Mario, Princess Zelda de Hyrule or the MetaKnight! 


	2. NiBan

**The Weakest Link: Nintendo Edition**

By: Wordsworth 13

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Super Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Kirby, Star Fox, Metroid, Donkey Kong, Game-and-Watch, Golden Sun, Kid Icarus or The Weakest Link.

* * *

Ni-Ban! 

Donkey hung his head in shame at losing the teams chain, leaving them with no Nintendo Stock. He looked pleadingly at Mr. Game-and-Watch, hoping the stick figure could regain some of the precious shares. "Mr. Game-and-Watch, it's time for your question." Mr. Game-and-Watch beeped. The thwomp nodded and read the question card "In modern foreign languages where does the word 'sayonara' come from?"

The two-dimensional figure of Mr. Game-and-Watch stood tapping his foot for a few frames, then snapped his fingers, which made a simple digital tone, and scribbled down the answer on his voting board. He showed the word 'JAPAN' to the cameras and the thwomp announced "Correct! Next, Felix-"

"Bank!" Felix interrupted

"Very well," the thwomp murmured "Felix in graphic design, what 'V' is the point where any perpetual line on a graphic ends?" Felix looked nervous, but managed to stammer out: "Umm, uh, vuh- vinality point." The thwomp glared at him.

"No, vinality isn't even a word." Felix sighed, and the thwomp rotated ten degrees clockwise, facing Pit.

"Okay, Pit, time for your question." The fallen angel whimpered "In medieval fashions, what's that stupid thing Link's wearing called?"

Pit paused for a moment and, judging using his own experience he guessed that these questions were really, really stupid and the writer was already getting desperate. This lead him to decide that said creator of near unanswerable questions was either a blind, a mentally diseased chimp or a bored fourteen-year-old anime and role-playing game nerd with nothing better to do that create humourless cross-over fics.

"A tunic." He said, sounding bored, this was going to be an… experience, indeed.

"Correct," the thwomp chimed in a manner that sounded almost pre-recorded, following it up by turning a full ninety degrees back to Mario. "Mario, your question, in current affairs is, who is King Bowser Koopa currently holding at his evil floating castle with large dangly spike balls hanging off it for whatever reason he kidnaps people?" Mario opened his mouth to answer but was cut short by the sound of shattering glass and a sudden pain on the back of his head.

The famously red Italian-American hero of rather dull back story turned and looked down to see a round, brown paper parcel surrounded by glinting shards of what was once a particularly expensive studio seven window, with a note on flowery stationary. He picked it up in his gloved hands and read the note slowly. Upon it in the chicken scratch of someone who probably had scaly, fat, clawed hands, was written 'Dear Mario, I have kidnapped Princess Peach for whatever reason it is I kidnap people. If you wish to save her come to my castle with large dangly spike balls hanging off it which is full of item boxes containing things that will help you, and thus probably should have been removed in the 80's when we realised it was a problem, and defeat me. Yours evillicious-tasticly, Bowser Koopa. P.S. Sorry about the stationary, I had to borrow it from the princess.'

"Excuse-a me one moment." Mario said, holding up one of his hands draped over by his staple magician's glove. He jumped through the portrait of blue sky (surprising since the Weakest Link studio is probably somewhere in London), framed with yet to be falling, ice like shards of single glazed, low quality glass. There was some clattering from the store room but otherwise silence as the other eight contestants stared up at Mario's makeshift egress, "Uh, is, uh, is he coming back?" The stone host asked nervously, only to receive a set of shrugs. The camera was turned off, and the crew thanked Thor and Procne that this wasn't live.

Two minutes later there was the sound of more inexpensive single glazed glass breaking into approximately 3,925 pieces caused everyone to look up from their poker game, and Studio-Maintenance-Worker-Ron to curse under his breath. He'd just fixed that bloody window. The super plumber had in one arm, a blonde young lady in a pink dress "It's-a Princess Peach!" The moustachioed man finally answered. He placed the princess down, was thanked, kissed on the cheek, spun around yelled "HERE-WE-GO!" obnoxiously loudly and then, for no reason, there was cake. It was shared half and half: one half for Kirby and one half for everyone else. He was cute so they let him get away with it.

The thwomp merely stared "Ooookaaay… Correct, Mario! Link! Your question!" It was obvious he wished to move on, so the elfin boy nodded. "In construction-" the thwomp paused and decided the writer had gone past the point of non sanity after the question about red quasars so this chose to think nothing of the odd category. "In construction, what shape is the strongest to support a structure?"

Link gulped, he was through the looking glass here. He knew nothing of building things, but he did know something of strength; it was the only shape he associated with it. "The triangle." He said, trying to sound certain.

"That is correct." The Thwomp confirmed. Link breathed out and an expression of victorious pride spread across his young features. "Kirby your-"

"Bank!" Kirby shouted

"Okay. Kirby your question is; in history, in what year was the Battle of Hastings."

Kirby clearly didn't know this. He scratched his head, and his chin, insofar as he had one. He 'ummed', he 'aahed' and eventually, reluctantly guessed "1995."

The thwomp stared at him for a bit "Wrong." He said quietly "Fox!"

The anthropomorphic canine looked up at him. "Fox, in English Language, what type of word is 'in'?"

"'In'? What do you mean what type of word? There are types of words now?"

"I'm afraid I can't give you any clues."

"Okay, it's a… describing word, right?"

"The word you're looking for is 'adjective', and no, it's a preposition."

"Prepo-wha?"

"Next question! Samus. In art, what is the technique of using dots of colour to make a picture called?"

Now Samus was no artist, but she was reasonably intelligent, and she'd seen a lot of things in her time. This, however, was one of those facts that put itself at the back of her mind, and didn't like the idea of coming out any time soon. Her face took on the strained expression of one trying to remember where they'd placed their keys. "Doitalisme" She said, sounding unsure.

"Ooh, so close, well not really, but still; wrong." The thwomp said, almost pityingly, but then returned to lightning-fast game show host mode. "D.K. your question is, in film, what is the name of the song sung by King Louis in The Jungle Book?"

Now, before Donkey answers, it is with great regret that I must inform you Disney's evil and maniacal empire has cast its dark shadow over the entire globe even Donkey Kong Island, however, on a related note, Studio Ghibli is fighting its commercialised ruination of children's stories with carefully crafted, original movies. You can help in the fight against homogenised cinematographic love by buying _Howl's Moving Castle_ and _Spirited Away_ on DVD. Thank you, we shall now return to our originally scheduled fanfic.

"King of Swingers! King of Swingers!" Donkey bellowed, beating his broad chest

"Correct!" The thwomp chimed "Now, Mr. Game-and-Watch. For you; in music, what is the name of the band responsible for the songs in the animated musical Interstella 5555?"

The silhouette man went about his usual two-frame thinking rituals until he scrawled something across his voting card. He held up the blue oval, printed on it 'DAFT PUNK'.

"Correct, and even I didn't know that one." The stone host confirmed. "Next: Felix. Felix in English literature, the one of the novels by Mark Twain was entitled The Adventures of Tom who?"

"Was it?" Felix asked in slight confusion

"No, no, I'm asking you what Tom Sawyer's last name was."

"Uh… was it Sawyer?"

"Yes… oh, bugger!" The thwomp cursed.

"Cut! Cut! Cut!" the director yelled "Okay, we're gonna keep that in, except the swear there."

"What!? Why!?" the blue quiz-master protested

"Because that was too rich for a blooper reel, okay folks, roll film and continue the show."

Rather flustered, the thwomp began to stutter his lines, announcing Pit as the next to answer. "In aviation, what is the term for spinning 360 degrees in the air whilst maintaining direction and velocity?"

Pit, being an angel of sorts, knew enough about flyboy stuff to answer this competently. "A barrel roll." He said with complete certainty.

"Yes, that's the right answer." The thwomp said, nodding, as much as a cube can nod, anyway.

"I could've answered that." Fox whispered bitterly under his breath.

"Mario, your question is, in religion: what is the greatest class of angel?"

Mario's adventures so far have yet even to mention religion, so he is not exactly well versed in the subject. Want to hear whatever stupid thing he says? Then read the next chapter.

* * *

Hi folks, sorry for the wait, how was it? Still funny? If so send me a cookie with the word YES spelled out on it in chocolate, if no do the same, but write NO on the cookie. And keep voting for who you want to join the show in round three: Zelda, Luigi or MetaKnight. Review or die, scum! 


End file.
